I've been mulling over this post for a couple of months, and I'm glad to finally sit down and get through it.With all the best intentions sometimes we may find ourselves confronted with this thing called depression, and in an attempt to console that person, we end up saying/doing something that actually exacerbates the problem. Most of the time, they're things that they don't even realize unless someone were to point it out. Here are a few things worth remembering when approaching the issue of depression with those who suffer with it.
1. If you see us happy/energetic/enthusiastic, it doesn't mean we're "cured"
The uncomfortable and unpredictable nature of depression is that sometimes I wake up and feel relatively okay. I may look forward to going out in the evening, and I may even begin thinking more positively about my future and life circumstances. When those times come, I savour them like a thirsty camel and store as much of that sweet stuff as I can. Why? Well, all of those positive thoughts and feelings could disappear without warning, without any triggers, and may in fact be replaced by the very opposite of those positive things. This is one of the major noticeable aspects of depression that is hugely different from just feeling sad/down.
So when things like this are said; "Why are you down? You were okay earlier." it can be very frustrating, as we're quite aware we were okay earlier, and even more aware that we're not okay now.
Instead, try saying something like, "It's nice to see you're feeling happy today!" or "You've got a lovely smile!" Things like this go a very long way!
2. Treat depression on a case by case basis
This is incredibly important for people to realize, that depression is an individual experience. Although many of the symptoms are the same/similar, the experience that a person has with depression should never be compared, to either your own, or someone else's experience. This is because that (as discussed previously in my other blog posts) depression isn't just an emotion, it is a neurochemical change in the brain, brought on by countless variables/circumstances. We all have different brains, and thus they will react differently depending on these variables.When practising empathy and understanding to those with depression, we must be careful not to "prescribe" our ideas to the sufferer e.g. "Oh, I've had depression so I totally know what you're going through. When I started exercising it was like a light switch just went off, and fairly quickly it stopped being an issue for me any more". Now, this person's experience is completely valid, and there is nothing wrong with sharing it. But we need to be sensitive not to give blanket suggestions (that are usually very obvious), to treat everyone with depression, with the same methods and expecting the same results.
3. Don't project our own expectations onto others
To be honest this point really fits in well in all areas of life, but in the case of depression, projecting our expectations onto those with depression can yield very negative repercussions, and in fact often end up doing the opposite to what you want/expect of them. This happens frequently by people who feel that they have a reasonable understanding of depression, but may perhaps not fully appreciate the complexity of the illness.
Everyone deals with depression in their own ways, and in their own time. I am aware of people in my life who've implied that I should have "gotten over it by now", or to do this or that differently. Something I struggle with is getting out of bed, which sometimes is due to tiredness, but more often it is simply lacking the energy/willpower/desire to move, and on the really bad days where the depression is strongest, I can feel literally paralysed and unable to get up. There isn't a human alive that knows how David Sheppard is feeling in these moments. So rather than assess with our finite abilities the limits of others, we should instead show an increase of love and friendship. That is the greatest arrow in the quiver that will have a positive effect on the person struggling.
4. Reminding the person that "it could be worse"
I'll speak very plainly, this is one of the dumbest things to say to anyone going through a hard time, and especially to someone who has depression. There is a very simple reason for this; when at my worst all I see is utter blackness in my mind and heart, and I have wanted so desperately for my pain to end by any means necessary. When in hospital, I got to know most of the patients, and took particular interest in those who suffered with depression/anxiety. I listened to their stories, and although I found similar links in how we were feeling, we all had such a different tale to tell. I would listen to other's stories that were of a horrific nature, to which I couldn't imagine personally having to endure myself. But I remember one day sitting there amongst these people who had all manner of things wrong with them, and having a distinct thought that, "we are all the same". It doesn't matter what it took to bring us down to rock bottom, we all had found ourselves in this pit where we couldn't escape.
Yes I'm not a refugee, I've not come from an abused past, I've never been beaten or feared for my life, but I have suffered in enough ways as to make me believe that not living was the only option worth considering. For me at my worst...it literally couldn't have gotten worse.
Don't remind those with depression that it could be worse, because in their mind/experience, that is actually not true.
5. Victim blaming
This sounds more sinister than I'd like it to. When I say "victim blaming", I'm not thinking of a really insensitive person who is being unkind on purpose, but sometimes certain remarks or thought patterns can be very unhelpful. I've been present where someone with depression has been discussed, and for whatever the circumstances were, one of the people in this discussion felt that it was the person's "own fault", that they had depression. It may be that they don't do any exercise, or that they don't do enough to make friends or find a hobby. I was told to my face that I was depressed because of my fluctuating faith/relationship with a church, and that if I had been living in a certain way that I could have avoided this depression.All of these things are just simply unhelpful and can be quite hurtful. It is not for others to ascertain where this illness first originated in any person.
6. "It will pass"
A statement that is absolutely well meaning, but should be avoided, simply because it may never "pass". Depending on the person depression may have a season, or it maybe a life time struggle. We don't know. What it more reassuring is to be told that my friend will walk this journey with me, however long and hard the trail.
7. Do not encourage anyone not to have medication
Regardless of our own biases, to tell someone not to have medication is negligent. Every person must try whatever options they feel comfortable with, when searching for solutions/aids to live with/conquer depression. Medication isn't for everyone, but it is for some - I am grateful that I've been able to have the help I've needed through the many services that are provided in the U.K. to help those who suffer with mental illnesses.
The Golden rule here is that the best medicine that we can all provide for each other is empathy, and understanding, and to simply be there for those who struggle with depression. Having you there will be that extra thing that will help them in the right direction.
