Mein Kampf with Depression: A New Hope

I thought it about time to update you all as to how my battle with depression is going. My last post was an honest expression of how I was feeling at the time, acknowledging how dark the journey with depression can sometimes be. It was to articulate the the pains and difficulties associated with this illness and how all encompassing it can be.

Today however, I wish to express a gradual change that I have noticed within myself through my own journey, something I once thought impossible or very highly improbable that I would ever feel again. This feeling is in fact by its very definition, completely antithetical to that darkness, of the fear, and of the crushing weight of absolute doubt and misery.

                                                                That feeling is Hope.

To use a Star Wars analogy (because...I love Star Wars); Luke Skywalker never thought his life would change. Born as an orphan and raised by his Aunt and Uncle, Luke described his planet saying,"[I]f there's a bright centre to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from". He not only believed that he got a crappy deal at life, he certainly didn't believe that the circumstances of his life would ever change. He was destined for mediocrity, his life would amount to very little. But when his path crosses with the "crazy old hermit" Ben Kenobi, he would discover that his life was destined to follow another path. He would find out who he really is and what his potential was. Luke became the 'New Hope' that the galaxy needed, finding a purpose for his life. This was a future that I dare say, he ever would have thought possible.

Now how is all this relevant?

The greatest lie, and it is a lie, that depression tells you is that you will always feel terrible, that you will never feel happy again or that you will feel miserable most of the time for the rest of your life. It tells you that your circumstances wont change, that your destiny is written and you've just got to accept it. In fact, I remember my own time of being in hospital saying to my counsellor, "life just seems to work out for some people, and others just get dealt a shitty hand". A mentality captured well by the droid C3P0 in Star Wars: A New Hope, saying, "It seems we were made to suffer, it's our lot in life". Shortly said, I had no hope and could not see a way through the veil of depression in front of my eyes.

Hope is vital to our very existence. Without this uplifting drive, nothing would ever be accomplished. Life grinds to a painful halt when hope dissipates.

Why I now have hope

- Despite still experiencing the dark cloud of depression every day, and still getting the major lows, they aren't as deep and not merely as frequent as I used to get them.

- When considering the future I do have a picture of what my life could look like, and its a positive one.

- I have a much better idea of what I'd like to do for a career and have made steps to realise those fantasies into something tangible.

- I have a much better opinion of myself and all round self esteem. I'm happy with the kind of person I am.

- I am still very fortunate as to the people in my life who add that extra sparkle and support which makes life, dare I say it, enjoyable and managable.

- I've reduced my Quitiapine from 300mg to 200mg.

- Although I still struggle with feeling emotions, there has been gradual improvement to a point that I can feel a little more like a human being.

- I feel more optimistic about my life in general.

I am aware that I may not feel like this in a month, a week, or even in a few days time. I am not delusional in believing that because I feel better now, that I wont feel negative again or fall back into unhealthy thought patterns. I have ideas that I hope come to fruition, but it is healthy to understand that things might just not work out. And that's ok. The main thing is that I have hope for the possibility of a positive future, and am happy to do what I can to work towards those things I'd like to have in my life, at my own pace. The road to recovery is long, and sometimes things just don't look like they'll ever change. However, sometimes beyond the veil of darkness, stands an old Jedi Knight who is waiting help us "take [our] steps into a larger world".