Mein Kampf with Depression: What is Depression - How do I know if I have it?

What is depression?

Depression is a mental illness that effects the mind and body. It causes the person affected by it to view the world though a very tinted lens, a lens through which at the time, the person may only be capable of seeing things very negatively. The reason why it may not be possible (at least temporarily) to see things as they 'really are', is because depression is an actual illness. It is not merely having a negative attitude about life, or a prolonged period of sadness. When someone is depressed in the true sense of the meaning, there is a chemical imbalance that is taking place in the brain, an imbalance that if not properly treated will likely progress further, deepening the depression. It is caused most often by experiencing traumatic events, or difficult circumstances that either stretch for a long time before the person breaks, or loads of different things going wrong at the same time/one after the other (this was my experience).

There is a big difference between being really down, and being depressed, which was something I didn't understand until I experienced it myself. Humans are social creatures, we try to empathize and understand each other when we go through difficult times. For example; if someone says they have the flu, you will likely have a memory of what that felt like and empathize with the experience. With depression, the most anyone can ever do to even come close to empathy, is to think back to the deepest, darkest, saddest moments of their lives, and imagine that the depressed person must be feeling at least like that. As well intentioned as that may be, it is not the same experience.
When having reflected on those dark moments (unless the person actually had depression), there will have been some sort of change of circumstance that alleviated the struggler from their sadness; whether that be they finally got that job, got back together with their partner, or even simply decided to approach life with a more positive and constructive outlook. These are not solutions for someone who is depressed. Just as I cannot understand what it is like to have cancer, I can read about it, it can be described to me and I might feel I have an idea through relating some of my own experiences, but I can never truly know what it feels like. Such is the same with depression.

How do I know if I have it?

Identifying if you have depression can be extremely difficult for a few reasons. There are many symptoms that also correspond with other illnesses, this makes it easy to either misdiagnose someone, or even to simply disregard the symptoms of being anything noteworthy. There are very subtle ways that could be indicative that you could be experiencing depression, things that I have
only identified looking back. Here were a few of mine:

- I had to be encouraged to brush my teeth because I just didn't ever feel like it.
- I would wash probably every 2-3 days on average, deodorant was my friend..
- I would wake up, and I just could not wait to go to bed again. Asleep was the only place where I could not feel the weight of life.
- I lost interest in my hobbies.
- I closed myself off socially, avoiding/ignoring calls, not doing anything outside work.
- I was constantly tired. Literally every second of every day.
- I would often find myself viewing the world in a very cynical way.
- I felt worthless/useless as a husband, son, friend, etc.
- I was losing weight due to the anxiety.
- I was incredibly critical of my physical appearance, especially my physique, although I had no motivation to exercise.
- I became sick regularly due to stress which would have a knock on effect on my mood.
- I had been dealing with my difficult feelings for so long, that I became completely numb to all feelings of emotion (sadness and anger not included unfortunately).
- I took a test on the NHS website 3 times over a number of months, each month getting the score 23/28 which meant I "was most likely depressed" and was recommended to see the GP. Each time I took the test, I just thought it wasn't accurate as I was probably 'having a bad day that day'.
- At work I had no desire to communicate with anyone, I just wanted to get in and get out.
- When the numbness played on me mentally I began to self harm by hitting myself on my body to get some kind of feeling.
- I felt like I was worthless to the point of no redemption, and I didn't want to be alive any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I lost the willpower to live.
- This progressed to actively think of ways of dying and how I might kill myself. Suicidal thoughts thus entered into my life.

As you can see, it starts off with the tiniest most insignificant things. You can see a gradual progression (although not stated in order) to the very extreme. In November 2014 I was admitted into hospital after taken to A&E. It was then decided for me to go to a psychiatric ward. I thought I'd only be there a few days, but it ended up being 3 months. Even after leaving the ward and going back home, I attended the day treatment service at the hospital for another month 1/2. When I saw my GP in the months leading up to my admission into hospital, I was told that I was likely depressed but I thought this was something I could overcome with a better attitude and patience. It turns out I needed help. I was diagnosed in hospital as having 'Moderate depression with sematic symptoms'. After a week it progressed, I lost another half a stone and was diagnosed with 'Severe depression with high anxiety'.

If you think that you may have depression, it doesn't hurt to go to a GP to check. If you don't have it, great! You can still get advice from your doctor anyway. Also go on the NHS website, in the section of depression there is a little test there, take it and follow the advice (regardless of what you think about the results!). Depression will make you feel alone, that you can't talk to people because no one will understand. If you recognize any of these things above in yourself, feel free to message me, leave a comment below or better yet, talk to someone you can trust like a friend or family member. The worst thing you can do is to keep silent. Book an appointment with your GP, they will help you!


This video gives really good insight into what I've just talked about, 'The black Dog' is a wonderful analogy.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

This is that test I took. See where you are on the scale! http://www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx