Mein Kampf with Depression: Ways of approaching depression that AREN'T helpful

I've been mulling over this post for a couple of months, and I'm glad to finally sit down and get through it.
With all the best intentions sometimes we may find ourselves confronted with this thing called depression, and in an attempt to console that person, we end up saying/doing something that actually exacerbates the problem. Most of the time, they're things that they don't even realize unless someone were to point it out. Here are a few things worth remembering when approaching the issue of depression with those who suffer with it.

1. If you see us happy/energetic/enthusiastic, it doesn't mean we're "cured"

The uncomfortable and unpredictable nature of depression is that sometimes I wake up and feel relatively okay. I may look forward to going out in the evening, and I may even begin thinking more positively about my future and life circumstances. When those times come, I savour them like a thirsty camel and store as much of that sweet stuff as I can. Why? Well, all of those positive thoughts and feelings could disappear without warning, without any triggers, and may in fact be replaced by the very opposite of those positive things. This is one of the major noticeable aspects of depression that is hugely different from just feeling sad/down.
So when things like this are said; "Why are you down? You were okay earlier." it can be very frustrating, as we're quite aware we were okay earlier, and even more aware that we're not okay now.
Instead, try saying something like, "It's nice to see you're feeling happy today!" or "You've got a lovely smile!" Things like this go a very long way!

2. Treat depression on a case by case basis

This is incredibly important for people to realize, that depression is an individual experience. Although many of the symptoms are the same/similar, the experience that a person has with depression should never be compared, to either your own, or someone else's experience. This is because that (as discussed previously in my other blog posts) depression isn't just an emotion, it is a neurochemical change in the brain, brought on by countless variables/circumstances. We all have different brains, and thus they will react differently depending on these variables.
When practising empathy and understanding to those with depression, we must be careful not to "prescribe" our ideas to the sufferer e.g. "Oh, I've had depression so I totally know what you're going through. When I started exercising it was like a light switch just went off, and fairly quickly it stopped being an issue for me any more". Now, this person's experience is completely valid, and there is nothing wrong with sharing it. But we need to be sensitive not to give blanket suggestions (that are usually very obvious), to treat everyone with depression, with the same methods and expecting the same results.

3. Don't project our own expectations onto others

To be honest this point really fits in well in all areas of life, but in the case of depression, projecting our expectations onto those with depression can yield very negative repercussions, and in fact often end up doing the opposite to what you want/expect of them. This happens frequently by people who feel that they have a reasonable understanding of depression, but may perhaps not fully appreciate the complexity of the illness.
Everyone deals with depression in their own ways, and in their own time. I am aware of people in my life who've implied that I should have "gotten over it by now", or to do this or that differently. Something I struggle with is getting out of bed, which sometimes is due to tiredness, but more often it is simply lacking the energy/willpower/desire to move, and on the really bad days where the depression is strongest, I can feel literally paralysed and unable to get up. There isn't a human alive that knows how David Sheppard is feeling in these moments. So rather than assess with our finite abilities the limits of others,  we should instead show an increase of love and friendship. That is the greatest arrow in the quiver that will have a positive effect on the person struggling.

4. Reminding the person that "it could be worse"

I'll speak very plainly, this is one of the dumbest things to say to anyone going through a hard time, and especially to someone who has depression. There is a very simple reason for this; when at my worst all I see is utter blackness in my mind and heart, and I have wanted so desperately for my pain to end by any means necessary. When in hospital, I got to know most of the patients, and took particular interest in those who suffered with depression/anxiety. I listened to their stories, and although I found similar links in how we were feeling, we all had such a different tale to tell. I would listen to other's stories that were of a horrific nature, to which I couldn't imagine personally having to endure myself. But I remember one day sitting there amongst these people who had all manner of things wrong with them, and having a distinct thought that, "we are all the same". It doesn't matter what it took to bring us down to rock bottom, we all had found ourselves in this pit where we couldn't escape.
Yes I'm not a refugee, I've not come from an abused past, I've never been beaten or feared for my life, but I have suffered in enough ways as to make me believe that not living was the only option worth considering. For me at my worst...it literally couldn't have gotten worse.
Don't remind those with depression that it could be worse, because in their mind/experience, that is actually not true.

5. Victim blaming

This sounds more sinister than I'd like it to. When I say "victim blaming", I'm not thinking of a really insensitive person who is being unkind on purpose, but sometimes certain remarks or thought patterns can be very unhelpful. I've been present where someone with depression has been discussed, and for whatever the circumstances were, one of the people in this discussion felt that it was the person's "own fault", that they had depression. It may be that they don't do any exercise, or that they don't do enough to make friends or find a hobby. I was told to my face that I was depressed because of my fluctuating faith/relationship with a church, and that if I had been living in a certain way that I could have avoided this depression.
All of these things are just simply unhelpful and can be quite hurtful. It is not for others to ascertain where this illness first originated in any person.

6. "It will pass"

A statement that is absolutely well meaning, but should be avoided, simply because it may never "pass". Depending on the person depression may have a season, or it maybe a life time struggle. We don't know. What it more reassuring is to be told that my friend will walk this journey with me, however long and hard the trail.

7. Do not encourage anyone not to have medication

Regardless of our own biases, to tell someone not to have medication is negligent. Every person must try whatever options they feel comfortable with, when searching for solutions/aids to live with/conquer depression. Medication isn't for everyone, but it is for some - I am grateful that I've been able to have the help I've needed through the many services that are provided in the U.K. to help those who suffer with mental illnesses.


The Golden rule here is that the best medicine that we can all provide for each other is empathy, and understanding, and to simply be there for those who struggle with depression. Having you there will be that extra thing that will help them in the right direction.

Mein Kampf with Depression: 5 Ways you can help a depressed person

When deciding which area to cover next, it didn't take me long to realize what might be a helpful thing to discuss. When asked how I am, or how things are getting on for me, more often than not I struggle to answer that question. Partially, because it can be incredibly difficult to 

describe how I'm feeling, however I also don't want to burden the lives of the people around me by telling them my woes. How often am I asked this, and how often I must answer "not that great", is difficult for me. It is so tempting to simply lie and say that I'm fine. When I'm being honest, an oft heard response is often as follows, "how can I help? Can I do anything for you?" I'd like to address the people who who have found themselves wondering what on earth they can do to help their loved ones battle depression.

Here are 5 ways that can help someone with depression:

1. Remembering and accepting the fact that you can't save them

Much like the soon to be father standing at the side of his partner, who watches helplessly as the one he loves suffers through the pains of childbirth, without being able to grant the wish to relieve them from the pain - so it is with someone who has depression. As discussed in my other blog posts, depression is not only psychologically driven, but it is essential to remember that there are many physiological components at work, which other than medication and professional therapy, not much can be done to help in this way. Depending on the situation, it may take one person far longer to reach a point of functionality than another, and they are not to be compared. We are all different. You can't take away the darkness, you can't stop the pain, the storm isn't dictated by man, but we'd appreciate it if you could bring an umbrella and stand with us in the rain.

2. Direct and encourage them to get the correct help

Lets be honest, if I have a bogey in my nose that looks really nasty, and the person who I'm with doesn't point it out... I'm likely to be fairly ticked off! Offer me a tissue... If you don't have any, help me get to a place where I can sort out the problem. If you know or suspect that someone you know maybe suffering with depression, but has not yet sought help for whatever reason, talk to them about it. Express your concern and desire for them to be happy and cope better. It is hard for someone who is depressed to make those essential decisions, often we need our loved ones to tell us something we may or may not want to hear, but will be grateful for in the end. There is help and resources available, doctors, groups, counsellors, medication, hospitalisation, whatever stage the person is at, there is help available.

3. Tell them that you love them, and why

Depression is a great liar, and often makes me believe that in the end, my loved ones would be better off without me in their lives. Sure, they might be

sad at first, but over all they'd be happier if I wasn't there. This is a reoccurring thought to many who are depressed, and is a pattern of thinking that can be helped. When loved ones open up, it is difficult for that warmth to not touch someone struggling, miracles are wrought when speaking what's in your heart. I have been very touched by those in my life who have done this, and who continue to let me know that I matter, I am loved, I am nice to have around etc. I cannot stress this enough. The strength and desire one receives to carry on battling depression is just huge, when they know people love and care about them. 

4. Encourage them to treat themselves

I would feel guilty about doing anything for myself because it was "unproductive", or that I wasn't worthy of the happiness that comes from doing things I like to do, or even convincing myself that it was fruitless to try and have fun because nothing would change how I would feel.
Doing small things to treat ourselves is necessary to enjoy the sweet things in life, and will help with depression. I have recently decided to regularly go dancing again, as it is something that I genuinely take great joy in. If I feel like having a night where I just want to watch a couple of films on Netflix and eat ice-cream...totally fine.

5. Let them know that you're there for them

Often when socializing with others I can normally make it a few hours before I really start to struggle and my mood can take a nosedive. I worry that when I go quiet, the person I'm with may feel uncomfortable being around me, or think that they've upset me. It makes me feel like I'm just going to drive them away. It is so reassuring when friends have made it clear to me that we can hang out, even if neither one of us are saying anything, that's okay. When I feel like I can stop worrying that when my depressive spells kick in, and know that they are there for me anyway, it often makes me feel much more comfortable to be myself. This will always have a positive effect on a sufferer of depression.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, Comment and tell me what you think may be helpful! Or what has someone done to help you with depression or similar mental illnesses?

Why I support Marriage Equality

Controversial topic, but one I feel the need to expand on, my views regarding marriage equality.
The inspiration for this is because I changed my profile picture today, adding a rainbow tint to show my support of marriage equality for the LGBTQ community. 

I was met with opposition and confusion as to why I would take this position, especially and perhaps exclusively because I hail from a conservative religious background. There are a few simple reasons for this and here they are.

1. Agency and the importance of freedom of thought

The logic behind taking a position that marriage is only for a man and a woman is problematic in numerous ways. To begin this dialogue, lets just call a spade a spade, this whole argument is a religious/theological debate, nothing more. The main issue that I take with this, is that those who are against marriage equality based on religious reasons, feel completely justified in their actions to try and thwart someone else's relationship from becoming a marriage recognized by the law of that land. All this because of their own belief that God hates the sin of homosexuality.
My question is that why does that belief, then justify the action of trying to impose one's beliefs on others? Religious people believe that two homosexuals can't/shouldn't get married because marriage, as interpreted in the contemporary, can only be between a man and a woman.
I remember reading once about a woman who got 'married' officially to the Eiffel tower. I've read about a man being 'married' to his dog. As much as I personally do not recognize in any way that these 'marriages' are legitimate, I can enjoy the fact that it doesn't have the least bit of effect on my own life, so whether this man married his dog or a woman, or a sandwich, it doesn't diminish the meaning of marriage to me, and it doesn't harm me directly or indirectly in any way.

I was raised in the Mormon faith, and so many of the people who will read this are my Mormon friends and family. So this next part might go over someone's head if they aren't familiar with the teachings/beliefs of the Mormon church. Here is why I think that being against Marriage Equality for the active/believing member of the Mormon church, is extremely problematic.
Lucifer's plan in the pre-existence was to fashion a plan, by which there would not a soul be lost whilst going through the earthly experience, only on the premise that mankind's agency would be taken from them in order to accomplish this.  "Wherefore, because that Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him... He was cast down" Moses 4:3. It is clear to me, that the God of Mormon theology views agency as being a key component in His plan. With that in mind, why stop at marriage equality? God has presented mankind with many commandments which 'the world' does not adhere to. Why not try and pass bills so that no one can drink alcohol, tea, coffee, cigarettes? How about Pornography? Swearing? Is there a pursuit to try and make everyone adhere to the Mormon standard of Sabbath day worship? No? So what makes this any different?

2."Traditional marriage"

The tradition of marriage alters depending on what culture you come from, and what time period you live in. In some Indian cultures it is traditional for arranged marriages to take place. For you Pride and Prejudice fans, do we not see problems that evolve around the notion of marrying for love, as opposed to their prevalent belief that you marry for economic/political stability? Or has God settled on our western idea of marrying for love and companionship?
Within a Mormon context, the idea of going gun ho for "Traditional marriage" is simply nonsensical to me. In the narrative of the History of the Church, God commanded the Latter-day Saints to engage in the practice of Polygamy and Polyandry.

Polygamy definition: "The practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

Polyandry definition: "Polygamy in which the woman has more than one husband".

People outside of the Mormon religion in the early 1800's (and even many within the faith), found this teaching to be abominable, abhorrent, perverted and blasphemous (based on their own cultures current values, and religious understandings). The Church's founder Joseph Smith engaged in around 11 polyandrous relationships, as well as the various other polygamous practices that he also engaged in. The practice of polygamy stopped when the U.S. government threatened to take away all of the churches assets, buildings, and imprisoning every leader who was engaged in polygamy. It was a very trying time for the members of the church, it made them feel victimized that they weren't able to practice marriage in the way they believed God wanted them to do. Their agency was taken in this situation. There are alarming parallels which I think are clear, and with this gaping example of hypocrisy, in this regard, I do not think members of the LDS church who fight marriage equality, have a single leg to stand on, especially when the church still practices polygamy to this day through temple sealings. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOAdICtXKRM - Brother Jake

3. People's attitudes about how they treat LGTBQ people are appalling

'Love the sinner, hate the sin' is an often quoted idea and is especially used in the case of referring to homosexuality. Even if this were a correct principle (which I do not personally believe, in fact I find it repugnant), I do not believe that finite, imperfect beings such as we are, are capable of making the distinction. People ask me why do I care so much about this issue? Well, when a day comes where kids are not being thrown out on the street based on 'hating the sin' after coming out to their family. When a day comes where people don't have to live in fear of living an authentic life. When unjustifiable abuse, shunning, disowning and the astronomically high rates of suicide among LGBT people are stopped once and for all, only then will I chill out. I want homophobia and bigotry to be a thing of the past and so long as people believe they have a 'right' to treat LGBT people differently to others, this battle will continue.

I watched this video a while ago, that allows one to retain their beliefs but opens the door to greater empathy to the experience of LGBTQ people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnOJgDW0gPI If gay were straight and straight were gay

4. London Pride 2015

I attended my first gay pride parade today. It was absolutely incredible. 1.5 million people gathered together in London, to express their love, support and acceptance of their LGBT friends, family and citizens. The energy, the excitement was infectious, and the climate that everyone could be themselves without fear of judgement, was incredibly touching.

5. Affirmation: LGBT Mormons, family and friends - "Be found" (http://affirmation.org/)

A week ago I attended a conference in London, the first time ever in Europe, hosted by the organization Affirmation. There I was able to get to know some of THE kindest, most gentle, incredible individuals I've had the pleasure of meeting. I sat amongst them as it began and ended with a prayer, sung the well known Mormon hymn "I am a child of God", and I was able to hear so many stories that represented difficult, empowering, and inspiring stories. There was a married couple there who I caught exchanging loving glances...It literally melted my heart, being privileged to witness such a tangible love by these two men. 

This is an organization that supports people in whatever path they choose to take, whether that be remaining in the church or going down another path, respecting agency whilst displaying an ever present love and concern for their well being. The very definition of "Christlike love".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gew6BOKZg1A

I support marriage equality because I believe everyone has the right to make their own choices in life. I am so happy when I think about the many children who need adopting and fostering now have the opportunity to be accepted into loving homes. I support marriage equality because I believe everyone has the right to love, and to express that love to those to whom it is given.
I am an LGBT ally and I wear that as a badge of honour.

Mein Kampf with Depression: What is Depression - How do I know if I have it?

What is depression?

Depression is a mental illness that effects the mind and body. It causes the person affected by it to view the world though a very tinted lens, a lens through which at the time, the person may only be capable of seeing things very negatively. The reason why it may not be possible (at least temporarily) to see things as they 'really are', is because depression is an actual illness. It is not merely having a negative attitude about life, or a prolonged period of sadness. When someone is depressed in the true sense of the meaning, there is a chemical imbalance that is taking place in the brain, an imbalance that if not properly treated will likely progress further, deepening the depression. It is caused most often by experiencing traumatic events, or difficult circumstances that either stretch for a long time before the person breaks, or loads of different things going wrong at the same time/one after the other (this was my experience).

There is a big difference between being really down, and being depressed, which was something I didn't understand until I experienced it myself. Humans are social creatures, we try to empathize and understand each other when we go through difficult times. For example; if someone says they have the flu, you will likely have a memory of what that felt like and empathize with the experience. With depression, the most anyone can ever do to even come close to empathy, is to think back to the deepest, darkest, saddest moments of their lives, and imagine that the depressed person must be feeling at least like that. As well intentioned as that may be, it is not the same experience.
When having reflected on those dark moments (unless the person actually had depression), there will have been some sort of change of circumstance that alleviated the struggler from their sadness; whether that be they finally got that job, got back together with their partner, or even simply decided to approach life with a more positive and constructive outlook. These are not solutions for someone who is depressed. Just as I cannot understand what it is like to have cancer, I can read about it, it can be described to me and I might feel I have an idea through relating some of my own experiences, but I can never truly know what it feels like. Such is the same with depression.

How do I know if I have it?

Identifying if you have depression can be extremely difficult for a few reasons. There are many symptoms that also correspond with other illnesses, this makes it easy to either misdiagnose someone, or even to simply disregard the symptoms of being anything noteworthy. There are very subtle ways that could be indicative that you could be experiencing depression, things that I have
only identified looking back. Here were a few of mine:

- I had to be encouraged to brush my teeth because I just didn't ever feel like it.
- I would wash probably every 2-3 days on average, deodorant was my friend..
- I would wake up, and I just could not wait to go to bed again. Asleep was the only place where I could not feel the weight of life.
- I lost interest in my hobbies.
- I closed myself off socially, avoiding/ignoring calls, not doing anything outside work.
- I was constantly tired. Literally every second of every day.
- I would often find myself viewing the world in a very cynical way.
- I felt worthless/useless as a husband, son, friend, etc.
- I was losing weight due to the anxiety.
- I was incredibly critical of my physical appearance, especially my physique, although I had no motivation to exercise.
- I became sick regularly due to stress which would have a knock on effect on my mood.
- I had been dealing with my difficult feelings for so long, that I became completely numb to all feelings of emotion (sadness and anger not included unfortunately).
- I took a test on the NHS website 3 times over a number of months, each month getting the score 23/28 which meant I "was most likely depressed" and was recommended to see the GP. Each time I took the test, I just thought it wasn't accurate as I was probably 'having a bad day that day'.
- At work I had no desire to communicate with anyone, I just wanted to get in and get out.
- When the numbness played on me mentally I began to self harm by hitting myself on my body to get some kind of feeling.
- I felt like I was worthless to the point of no redemption, and I didn't want to be alive any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I lost the willpower to live.
- This progressed to actively think of ways of dying and how I might kill myself. Suicidal thoughts thus entered into my life.

As you can see, it starts off with the tiniest most insignificant things. You can see a gradual progression (although not stated in order) to the very extreme. In November 2014 I was admitted into hospital after taken to A&E. It was then decided for me to go to a psychiatric ward. I thought I'd only be there a few days, but it ended up being 3 months. Even after leaving the ward and going back home, I attended the day treatment service at the hospital for another month 1/2. When I saw my GP in the months leading up to my admission into hospital, I was told that I was likely depressed but I thought this was something I could overcome with a better attitude and patience. It turns out I needed help. I was diagnosed in hospital as having 'Moderate depression with sematic symptoms'. After a week it progressed, I lost another half a stone and was diagnosed with 'Severe depression with high anxiety'.

If you think that you may have depression, it doesn't hurt to go to a GP to check. If you don't have it, great! You can still get advice from your doctor anyway. Also go on the NHS website, in the section of depression there is a little test there, take it and follow the advice (regardless of what you think about the results!). Depression will make you feel alone, that you can't talk to people because no one will understand. If you recognize any of these things above in yourself, feel free to message me, leave a comment below or better yet, talk to someone you can trust like a friend or family member. The worst thing you can do is to keep silent. Book an appointment with your GP, they will help you!


This video gives really good insight into what I've just talked about, 'The black Dog' is a wonderful analogy.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

This is that test I took. See where you are on the scale! http://www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx

Mein Kampf with Depression (Series)

Hi everyone!

I've decided to write a blog series about depression. Over the past few years, and more severely in the past year, depression has had a profoundly devastating effect on my life. It is an often misunderstood phenomenon which, for those who don't suffer with it, can be very difficult to understand what is going on, and what they can do to help. Don't feel bad though, those who do suffer with depression have a hard enough time figuring out what's going on with them, let alone try to explain it to someone else!

I want to write this series for two main reasons:

1. I want to help advise those who either think they have depression, or those who definitively know and are trying to deal with it.

2. I want to help the family, friends and associates of sufferers, to have a better understanding of the condition through discussing my own experience.

I don't plan on doing a scientific analysis of the illness, although I'm sure it will creep in there. I want to be frank and deal with it in a pragmatic way, so that awareness is given, and advice on what we can all do to deal with it together. I also warn you, it will get very personal, but I feel it needs to be in order to be truly helpful.
In this series I will go over areas such as: 'Am I depressed? How do I find out?', 'What it can feel like', 'How can I help someone who is depressed?', 'Things not to do/say to someone who is depressed', 'David's story with depression and anxiety', and many more areas. If there are any specific things you want addressed, I am more than happy to discuss them.
Remember I will just be talking from my own experience, it won't necessarily be applicable to every person, as depression is very individual.

I hope you all will find this series useful, please share this with friends and family who might need it.