They leave the church, but it doesn't leave them alone

I've debated whether or not I should write about this, as I'm well aware the reception may be inflammatory, however it's something I'd like to get off my chest.

On 26th April 2016, Elder Jeffrey R Holland, gave an address for the Tempe Arizona stake. To those who know me, are aware that I hail from the Mormon (Latter-day Saint) tradition. In the Mormon faith it is taught that God communicates his will and message "through his servants, the prophets". In the modern day, the church has a prophet, and a quorum of apostles who are seen as Jesus Christ's personal representatives on the earth. A great responsibility I'm sure, to those to whom it has been entrusted, and a position I do not at all envy. As "God's mouth piece[s]", the influence that these men have on the active, believing membership, is highly potent.


Elder Holland is known for giving talks that are very passionate, emotional, and heartfelt. A man with boldness of speech, and is often cited by members as one of the favourite apostles to hear from.
To those people like me, however, who find themselves on the butt end of his speeches, may consider him to come across as aggressive, brash and unsympathetic. Even the most staunch, believing member (I hope) will acknowledge that regardless of position and title, these high ranking leaders are subject to human weakness, just as the rest of us are. Meaning that they, at times, make comments which are not just wrong, but are harmful. The following is a quote from Elder Holland at said address:

"I am so furious with people who leave this church. What on earth kind of conviction is that? What kind of patty-cake, taffy-pulled experience is that? As if, as if none of this ever mattered; as if nothing in our contemporary life mattered; as if this was all just supposed to be just exactly the way I want it? And answered every one of my questions - and pursue this and occupy that - and defy this and then maybe I'll be a latter-day saint. Well, there's too much Irish in me for that".
- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

When I read this quote I found it extremely offensive and deductive of people's legitimate reasons for stepping away from the faith. For a while, I sat and tried to work out who he was actually addressing when speaking to the members. As he's talking to to the active body of the church, I wonder how this sort of message is supposed to be instructive on how one might show compassion, empathy, and understanding to those who have left Mormonism? If this part was in fact addressed to those who've left the church, then how is this unrestrained rant, supposed to inspire or evoke a new found desire to return to the fold? This is exactly the sort of message that not only alienates people who've left the church, but it creates a culture and
a message to those within the faith, how to view those who've for
whatever reason, chosen to leave.

Fortunately there is the occasional voice, highlighting the complexity of people's relationship to faith and the church, highlighted here by Elder Uchtdorf. Unfortunately, however, they come few and far between and are quickly forgotten, being
drowned by unsympathetic messages by other church general authorities.

"One might ask, 'If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?' Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations. Some of our dear members struggle for years with the question whether they should separate themselves from the church."
- Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf, "Come, Join with us" - October 2013


Growing up in the church, there was a common phrase I'd hear from time to time, which referred to inactive or former members who would speak out against the church. The phrase is this; "They can leave the church, but they can't leave it alone", inferring that many ex Mormons tend to become angry, adversarial and vindictive, who'd love nothing better than to watch the church organisation burn. While it is true, that many who leave the church often feel a sense of anger (as well of a plethora of other feelings) for a variety of reasons, and may express that anger in one way or another, many others simply leave quietly, hoping to spare the feelings of loved ones whilst attempting to piece their lives back together again, and hopefully, to move on.
I'd like to address the points in Jeffrey Holland's talk, and of other general authorities, who continue to verbally attack, demean and alienate people who for whatever reason, have chosen to part ways with the faith.

Why do some ex Mormons feel angry?

Very often (especially now in 2016), it is becoming more common for members to leave the church, due to feeling misled by church leaders when discovering troubling facts about the church, historically and presently. A few decades ago, LDS leaders made the decision to correlate church history, promoting the faith affirming aspects, whilst minimising/completely ignoring facts, and purposefully omitting details in order to create a superimposed polished, and highly positive narrative.

"There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful"- Elder Boyd K Packer, "The Mantle is Far, Far Greater than the Intellect". Adressed to the Fifth annual CES Religous Educator's Symposium - 1981.

 Rightly or wrongly, I am sure this was done with the best of intentions, designed to strengthen faith and belief. I believe this quote from Elder Packer exemplifies this issue, and is very reflective of the church's approach in deeming it unnecessary to teach a full and truthful narrative to it's members, in order to preserve faith.

Unfortunately, however, this also perpetuated a culture of fear surrounding anything relating to church history, that wasn't found in the correlated manuals. Often these uncorrelated materials were branded with the "Anti-Mormon literature" label, designed to lure the faithful into the shadow of doubt, spewing lies, and half truths about the Prophet Joseph, Brigham Young, and other beloved leaders of the church. "Anti- Mormon literature" featuring heavier topics such as; Joseph Smith's practice of polygamy/polyandry, the blacks and the priesthood/temple ban, the Adam God theory, Joseph Smiths magical money digging practices, the book of Abraham, and so on. The deliberate omission by the church regarding the tougher topics, has left people feeling deceived. No one likes being lied to. So regardless of whether these decisions were right or wrong regarding the clearly lacking, teaching of history, I think it is completely understandable why members might feel angry when learning they've not been taught an accurate depiction of the facts, so as to then make an informed decision about activity and participation in the church.

How has the church responded to those struggling with faith in the past, and today?

Elder Holland's dismissive and bullish response to dissidents is not recent nor isolated.

"If anyone is foolish enough or misled enough to reject [The Book of Mormon]...then such a person, elect or otherwise, has been deceived; and if he or she leaves this Church, it must be done by crawling over or under or around the Book of Mormon to make that exit.
- Elder Jeffrey R Holland, "Saftey for the Soul". October 2009 (emphasis added)


I've become wary of any organisation that doesn't allow it's members to leave without their dignity intact. I recall being spoken to by Elder Holland in the missionary training centre during my own time as a missionary, saying in jest, that if he were to come across a returned missionary who'd left the faith, baring tattoos, and dreadlocks, he'd want to "punch him in the nose". Embarrassingly I laughed just as hard at that bit as every other missionary in the hall, but on reflection I do find it questionable/concerning for a 'representative of Jesus Christ', to display this sort of mentality.

Victim Blaming

The church has developed the habit of victim blaming, instead of taking personal responsibility where appropriate. This quote below exemplifies this approach:

"Apostasy frequently results when a person commits serious sin but does not repent. To silence his conscience or justify his sinful actions, the individual move away from the truth, looking for imperfections in others or questioning Church doctrine with which he no longer agrees."
"Some individuals begin to think the Church is not true when they feel that
 a leader did not treat them well. They become offended..."
"Fault-finding can be another source of personal apostasy. We begin to think
we could make better decisions than our leaders".
"I testify that we can avoid the mists of darkness that lead to personal apostasy by repenting of our sins, overcoming offence, eliminating fault-finding, and following our Church leaders. We can also avoid those mists by humbling ourselves, forgiving others, keeping our covenants, partaking of the sacrament worthily each week, and strengthening our testimonies through prayer, scripture study, temple attendance where possible, magnifying our Church callings, and serving our fellow men."
- Elder Claudio D. Zivic, "Avoiding Personal Apostasy". Ensign June 2009

People who've left the church are used to being blamed for their loss of faith, lack of answers to prayers, and crippling doubt by the church and by proxy, their family and friends. When everyone begins from the starting point of "the church is true", unfortunately people tend to look for blame elsewhere, as it can't be "the church's fault" or "God's fault". This talk is another example of people's legitimate issues being trivialized and downplayed, followed by an unhealthy dose of victim blaming. The "apostate" feels not just lied to, but betrayed, as they now become the targets. They now become the 'deceived', under the influence of the devil, who become so angry to appease their own conscience, they want to attack the faith of their friends and assault the church. It's a shame that this rhetoric is so pervasive, as it is so damaging to the integrity and dignity of those involved.
This little presentation is a good starting place for trying to understand why people leave, and how to approach those people who are struggling with doubts:
http://mormonstories.org/mormon-stories-111-why-people-leave-the-lds-church-and-how-we-can-help/

There are people who've been punished for either seeking truth and answers, or openly speaking about their doubts and disbelief, or publishing historically accurate details about church history which are considered a threat to the traditional narrative. I'll make a small list of examples here:

John Dehlin - Excommunicated (2015): for publicly expressing doubts,
advocacy for marriage equality, and "causing others to doubt" by way
of his popular podcast Mormon Stories.

http://mormonstories.org/
http://mormonstories.org/john-dehlin-why-i-stay/

Kate Kelly - Excommunicated (2014): founding the Ordain Women movement, Kate lobbied to ask the prophet to pray about the church's stance on Women, and advocating for change regarding women's unequal role in the church.
http://ordainwomen.org/

Carson and Marisa Calderwood - Excommunicated (2015): for showing  support for the Ordain Women movement, and publicly expressing doubts about LDS church truth claims.
http://mormonstories.org/carson-calderwood-more-lds-apostasy-disciplinary-councils-in-2015/
http://mormonstories.org/marisa-and-carson-calderwood-discuss-their-excommunication/





Kirk and Lindsay Van Allen - Threatened with discipline (2015):
for publicly expressing doubts and disbelief in a blog, about the doctrine of Polygamy found in Doctrine and Covenenants section 132.
http://mormonstories.org/kirk-and-lindsay-van-allen-facing-church-discipline-for-rejecting-polygamy-dc-132/
http://mormonverse.com/dc-132-a-revelation-of-men-not-god/
http://mormonverse.com/

Rock Waterman - Excommunicated (2015): for writing a blog (Pure Mormonism) discussing the past and present practices of the LDS church, including sometimes critiquing church general authorities on certain teachings. Rock is still very much a believer in Mormonism despite this.
http://puremormonism.blogspot.co.uk/
http://mormonstories.org/rock-waterman-pre-disciplinary-council/
http://mormonstories.org/rock-waterman-excommunication/

Jeremy Runnells - Resigned during disciplinary court (2016): During his faith crisis he wrote a letter highlighting his main issues to a CES director, the letter was never answered. Years went by before he was asked to attend a disciplinary council, receiving no help from his leaders to address any of his concerns.
http://cesletter.com/
http://mormonstories.org/jeremy-runnells-and-his-letter-to-a-ces-director/

cesletter.org/resign


"The September 6" - Disfellowshipped/Excommunicated (1993): For publishing work deemed by the church as critical of the church and it's leaders.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_Six


Brent Metcalfe - Excommunicated (1994): for publishing his book "New approaches to the book of Mormon", which discusses non traditional ways of handling book of Mormon historicity.
http://mormonstories.org/brent-metcalfe-mark-hofmann-salamander-letter-bombings/
http://mormonstories.org/brent-metcalfe-hofmann-bombings-excommunication-book-of-mormon/
http://mormonstories.org/brent-metcalfe-book-of-abraham/

Grant Palmer - Disfellowshipped (2004): for publishing his book "An Insider's View of Mormon Origins", discussing the early years of the prophet Joseph Smith, the creation of the Book of Mormon, and the role of Smith's money digging and magical thinking in relation to the early days of the church.
http://mormonstories.org/mormon-stories-030-031-032-and-033-an-insiders-view-of-mormon-origins-an-interview-with-grant-palmer/

Why I'm writing all this

I decided to write this blog post because I feel that there needs to be an effort made, so my active Mormon friends can understand me, and others like me, how we feel when we are targeted and made examples of by the church. Since leaving the church I have had many people who choose not to talk or associate with me any more, and I know that I'm not the only one. And it makes me feel sad that people haven't tried to understand how or why I feel the way I do.
I wanted to write this because so many inactive and/or former members want to be understood, and empathised with. They tend to have good reasons why they left. It could simply be that the church environment is toxic to them. They may feel uncomfortable with some of the messages and ideas taught at church. They may simply not believe in the tenets, or not want to live that lifestyle.
All of these reasons are OK.
Finally, I didn't write this to deliberately offend family and friends, but I did want to raise awareness that sometimes (even right at the top of the church) people get things wrong, and I believe in this regard the current narrative of us "apostates", needs to change, especially if you value your associations with that person. The apostles and the Q70s will never read this blog, but I hope that when you see/hear this kind of rhetoric in your own wards and branches, you'll not perpetuate this narrative.

Thanks for reading