Mein Kampf with Depression: The dark side

It's been a good long while since I last wrote a post on depression, and this one will be different from the others. I'm not going to give any tips or tricks, advice or suggestions. My depressive episodes have been a lot worse as of late and I just wanted to talk about how its been and how I've felt as a result. I hope those who struggle with mental health challenges can read this feeling that they aren't alone and setbacks can (and should be expected to) happen.

As stated above, things have been rather difficult on the mental health front. I am still taking medication every day, the only difference being that I have begun reducing the Setraline (anti depressant) that I take from the maximum 200mg, to 150mg. This is a victory to get to this point, however small it may seem. The tricky thing that I am finding right now, is deciding whether I feel that my recent nosedive is a direct result of the shift in medication, or whether it is simply the eb and flow that one experiences with depression. For now, I've decided to be patient and wait for another few weeks before I decide how I'll proceed. I'm trying not to get too hung up on the possible eventuality of going back to 200mg, as some people spend the rest of their lives needing to take medication, whilst others are fortunate to not have to. That is just the way it is. I guess with me I'll just have to wait and see.

The frustration that I've been feeling lately with this mood dip, has been very real and eye opening. Earlier this year I had another 12 weeks of CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which was both helpful and challenging. I was able to learn more things about myself, my patterns of behaviour, mindset and approach to life, health and healing amongst other things. I came away at the conclusion of the counselling sessions that I was arming myself with the finest understanding of both myself and depression, and that I started to feel somewhat impenetrable, That I would soon see much greater steps of progress than what I have heretofore experienced.

I was wrong.

Maybe it was foolhardy, arrogant, or simply naive to conclude (despite knowing the nature of depression) that I was fast approaching the end of the tunnel ready to be embraced gloriously by the light. I've come to conclude that sometimes despite our best efforts, we can at times fall prey to the darkness, to then realise that sometimes the only thing we have left to do is decide how to respond to that darkness. When we feel the embrace of the cold dark, what fail safes do we have? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How can I distract myself? Do I just sit in the dark and wait for us to be over? These are all questions that go through my mind. Sometimes I have the answer, sometimes not.

Recently these dark spells have been more frequent and lasting longer. During these periods I have been feeling a lot of emotions which I am not accustomed to. The shame is that they're all negative and very powerful. I want to describe how I've felt lately through an analogy and teaching given to the Jedi in the Star Wars Universe.
Master Yoda warns the Jedi to be mindful of certain things that in his view, inevitably lead to the dark side.

"Fear is the path to the dark side..." 

Fear is a natural by-product of depression because of the debilitating nature of the mental illness. I have many fears. I'm scared about the idea of going back to work, full time, part time, or even voluntary. I worry about shutting down if I was at work, and how that would affect my placement. I worry about whether I'll ever go back to having a normal life again. I fear the prospect of never being able to go to university to become a counsellor, or whatever career I end up settling on. I worry about being a negative person to be around in general, but especially when experiencing low mood. I worry that I'll spiral down far enough to where I seriously consider suicide as a real option for me, and how me even thinking that might affect those closest to be. Ultimately, there is much fear in depression, and sometimes I really am afraid.

"...Fear leads to anger..."

I have felt a lot of anger through various points in my journey with depression, but especially over the past few weeks. The anger can come from all sorts of situations and circumstances. Sometimes it is directed at people who've left my life and others aimed at people in my life now, even those closest to me. Anger about what is, and how life might have looked like had I never developed depression. Anger through jealousy of the apparent easiness of other people's lives.

"...Anger leads to hate..."

Love and hate are two of the strongest words in the human language as they convey the most powerful of emotions. I try and avoid saying hate as much as I can, but when we begin to feel the blazing fire of hate it can envelop and then consume us . Recently I have felt feelings of hate. I have at times hated the fact that where I am in my life isn't anything how I wanted it to be. I have hated feeling hopeless and that I am on a never ending treadmill of pain and restlessness. Hate of the suffering during the bad times and conversely feeling nothing during good ones. Feelings
of hate blight us with depression, often and with force. 

"...Hate leads to suffering..."

Ultimately the price that many pay for living with depression is that they will from time to time suffer. I don't like to talk about my suffering for a number of reasons. Judgement and misunderstanding by those who are not educated about mental health. Concerning loved ones when I am unable to visibly hide my suffering.
Importantly, suffering that you can bring to other people as a result of your battles.

Now I'm not suggesting those with depression are as evil as Sith lords. But I have become accustomed and well acquainted with the inner turmoil that these protagonists in Star Wars will inevitability experience. The person of note is Kylo-Ren in the recent Star Wars: The Force Awakens film. A man who is visibly troubled by the conflicts and pain that he feels within his own soul, and doing devastating things so as to assuage that grief and pain that torments him mercilessly.

I apologise if at the end of this post you may think this was quite negative. But I wanted to convey the point that no matter how much we think we know, we can get knocked down at any moment. It doesn't mean we should give up. Only that we should prepare.